


can't stand how much i need you

by lxshton



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Eventual Fluff, Feelings, M/M, lots of feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-11 23:27:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2087118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lxshton/pseuds/lxshton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the one where luke hates ashton, but he's also kind of in love with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. p r o l o g u e

**Author's Note:**

> it's 1am and i'm tired so i'm not really sure what i've written but i had this idea and decided to just write the prologue and then just roll with it so yeah
> 
> i'm not really sure how often i'm gonna go about updating but i'll try to do it on a weekly basis, it kinda depends on the popularity i suppose. so yeah
> 
> i also want to point out that this is completely fiction, i do not know ashton or luke or anybody involved in this story and every single part is a figment of my imagination.

luke hates ashton. like, honest to god, fucking _despises_ the kid with every single molecule, every single fibre in his body. 

like, luke doesn't like to be dramatic, but if he had a glass of water and ashton was on fire burning to a crisp, luke would quite happily pour the water over his own head and watch ashton fry. 

so, as you can imagine, being in the same band with the person that you physically cannot stand, well, it's a bit of an inconvenience, isn't it? not to mention the fact that he has to actually pretend to _like_ the kid, because calum said something like _"it wouldn't look good if the lead vocalist of the band was convicted of murdering the drummer."_ and seriously, luke just wishes calum would fuck off. 

so yeah, luke _hates_ ashton. except he doesn't really hate him, he's actually kind of in love with the kid. luke kinda hates himself for that. he knows it's wrong, he knows it's so, _so_ wrong to be in love with ashton. there isn't a day that goes past where luke doesn't beat himself up over the fact that he's only gone and let himself fall in love with a boy. not only a boy, but ashton, _ashton._ the guy who practically teleports himself to south africa the moment someone even as much mentions a dick that does not belong to himself. luke has never met a human being that is more straight than ashton irwin. 

the fact of the matter is that if luke had a glass of water and ashton was on fire burning to a crisp, luke would _never_ consider pouring the water over his own head and watching ashton fry, in fact, he would throw himself on top of ashton in attempt to put the fire out, like _fuck,_ he would _die_ for ashton. and luke hates ashton for that. hates the fact that he would risk his life in a heartbeat to save ashton, hates the fact that he's so ridiculously in love with a boy that would never love him back.

and the sad thing is, the burning hatred that luke has stored up within his soul for himself has now been fully directed towards ashton, because he doesn't know how to cope with his feelings. and luke figures that pretending to hate the boy is so much easier than admitting his feelings and facing certain rejection and humiliation. 

to say ashton doesn't know how to cope with luke's hatred is probably the understatement of the fucking century, because ashton is clueless. he chooses to just avoid luke, it's for the best. 

ashton doesn't understand what he's done wrong, he doesn't ever recall giving the younger boy a reason to loathe him. and if he's honest, it really gets to him. because he sees the way luke is when he's with calum and michael. he sees the way that luke's eyes light up when he talks to them, the way he laughs until he's crippled over in two. and ashton definitely sees the way that luke's expression turns blank whenever he walks into the room. ashton doesn't want it to be like this between himself and luke, he just wants to be friends.

but luke has one golden rule in life, and that is to protect himself and his feelings. 

and if that means keeping ashton at arms length, just to avoid him, so be it.

if that means pretending to hate ashton with every molecule in his body in order to keep ashton away for him, so be it.

and if that means slowly driving ashton towards his breaking point in order for luke to protect himself, so be it.

because ashton is straight. ashton would never love luke, would never love luke the way that luke wants to be loved by him. and luke hates ashton for that. but he hates himself a little bit more.


	2. bitter sweet recollections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just how exactly are you supposed to cope with being constantly haunted by bitter sweet recollections?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi sorry about the update wait my bad um i'm not really sure about this chapter like i just thought it was necessary that the back story is explained before i start the main story so hopefully the next chapter will be better

luke remembered how things used to be between him and ashton. he remembers the times when he hadn't yet realised the level of affection he held for the older boy, he often looks back on those times with a heavy heart, because he would do anything, _anything,_ for things to still be like that.

**

it's a cold, windy monday morning in london, and at 6am, it's safe to say that luke isn't the only member of the band currently questioning what it's like to actually be able to sleep for more than 4 hours a day. 

he deals with it though, they all do; albeit, some more gracefully than others. (luke likes to think he has the dignity, unlike certain members of the band - cough, _michael,_ cough - to not have to be woken up by a pissed off and grumpy calum peeling back his covers and drowning him in a bowl freezing cold water. sometimes luke even gets up extra early just to watch calum carry out said drowning michael in cold water ritual. what? it's hilarious). 

luke has just about heaved himself up into a sitting position when a slightly dishevelled looking calum (thankfully not armed with a bowl of water) pokes his head around the doorframe, muttering something about having to be ready and in the van for 6:30am, before disappearing almost as quickly as he had appeared.

luke debates whether or not to allow himself 10 minutes more sleep, before deciding against it and hauling himself out of bed, allowing his legs to sleepily drag himself towards the bathroom. 

the worlds-fastest-shower later, and luke is stood fully dressed in front of the bathroom mirror. it doesn't take long before a frown creeps onto his face, flushing his features.

luke doesn't like himself. hell, he's never liked himself. ever since he can remember he has been drowning in insecurities, struggling to accept that this is his body, and no matter how much he despises himself, he can't change. he hates everything about himself, hates every molecule in his body with a burning, burning passion. 

luke can't remember the last time that he looked at himself in the mirror and thought "yeah, i look good." 

"luke," the younger boy span on his heels at the sound of his name, only to be met by the boy who is the reason for nearly almost all his problems, but is also the only reason luke hasn't completely given up with life yet. "stop thinking." ashton added, a small smile playing on his lips. 

ashton was leant against the bathroom door in a way that luke thought was typical of a cliché scene from a cheap chick flick, but somehow ashton managed to pull it off. luke also thought that ashton looked _sinful_ saying that it was only 6-something-am yet his golden wavy curls were being tamed by a blue bandana and his smile was bright and genuine and his eyes were practically glowing and luke had to literally step back because, _fuck,_ ashton was an actual human embodiment of sunshine and it was _way_ too early for luke's brain to cope with his burning attraction towards ashton.

luke didn't know what to do, something about ashton just made him so nervous. he could feel the older boys intense stare focused on him, he could feel the way his palms began to feel sticky, he could feel the light blush climbing up his neck, engulfing his face.

"you look great, dude. i really think you should give yourself more credit." ashton's tone was soft and gentle, and luke knew that ashton wholeheartedly meant the words that were coming out of his mouth. he almost allowed a small smile to light up his face, he was almost about to take ashton's compliment, for once in his life, and thank him. almost being the main word here, because before he had the chance to feel good about himself, ashton cut him off.

"i mean it, luke. you're hot. like if i was, y'know, into dudes, i'd totally be all over you." ashton winked, before swinging on his heel and swiftly walking out the room.

 _right,_ luke thought, _ashton is not gay. ashton is into girls. ashton does not fancy guys. ashton will never want me. ashton will never love me._

luke doesn't even realise how he came to be slumped against the wall, head banging, eyes puffy, heart throbbing. but he figures that it probably had something to do with ashton. because ashton is the root of nearly all of his breakdowns, and this is something that luke needs to address, because it is not okay with him. 

it's then, slumped against the wall with his heart in tatters, that luke decides that this is it. this is the moment he has been dreading since he first laid eyes on ashton at the first 5sos band practise.

this is the moment that luke realises that he is head over heels in love with a boy that he can never, _never_ have. 

** 

that was the moment that luke noticed the first **crack** in his body armour.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/feedback are very much appreciated.
> 
> you can follow me on tumblr if you want - alluringlucas


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